Hello, friends! I hope you enjoyed part 1 of the quotes from my daughter. Those quotes were from when she was between ages 2 through 4.
It’s time to share another batch of lines that struck me as worthwhile to jot down over the years.
These quotes from Faith are from when she was age 5 up until now (age 9).
During these goofy times with the COVID-19/Coronavirus pandemic, a lot of things are out of whack from what we’re used to. Many folks are finding themselves in self-isolation or lockdown, unemployed, scared of the unknown, or worrying about money.
Although the recent stimulus check going out in the U.S. can provide a little bit of help (you can the status of yours here), it’s probably only going to be a small band-aid for many.
My thought in sharing these is solely to give you a chance to get away from the bad news for a quick minute. Hopefully, this will give you a chuckle or even make your day just a little bit brighter.
And with that, I hope you enjoy some more unforgettable quotes from my insane daughter …
Quotes from Faith at 5 years old
1) We were collecting beach glass on Kelleys Island and Faith’s bag started to get a little heavy. She somehow just handed it off to me and walked off…
Dad: What just happened… did you just pawn your bag off on me?
Faith: I don’t what that means but probably yes.
2) In the car on the way to visit friends…
Dad: We still have about 15 minutes if you want to take a power nap…
Faith: Hmph… power nap. It doesn’t even give you any power. That’s just an old fish tale.
3) Faith got me a small stuffed animal turtle to hang from my rear-view mirror for my birthday. While we were driving a couple of days later…
Faith: Dad, on the day that you die, can I have that turtle?
4) Lisa was talking about her dad while we were camping…
Mom: Grandpa used to work nights when I was a kid.
Dad: That means he would start working when you go to bed and would work the whole time everyone sleeps.
Faith: Wait – you mean he was nocturnal?
Dad: Um, yes.
5) Faith was in the bathroom with the door open while I was talking to Lisa. I started talking loud enough for Faith to hear…
Dad: Is somebody pooping?!
Faith: ROGER THAT!!!
6) I was talking to Lisa about the number of steps I had walked already for the day (over 10k) and Faith was listening and chimed in…
Faith: You are outrageous, muh man… OUT-RAGEOUS!!
7) We were watching iCarly and they were playing Laser Tag on the show…
Dad: Have you ever played Laser Tag? They have that at Fun ‘N Stuff…
Faith: Yeah, I played one time… [Long pause and not even looking at me]
It was heavy… [Long pause]
and I didn’t get anyone… [Long pause]
and I got lost. [Long pause]
Thank GOD somebody helped me… [Long pause]
AND it was someone I didn’t even know.
8) When Lisa asked Faith about something that she didn’t like…
Faith (making two fists): This one brings the hurt [kisses one fist] and this one brings the pain [kisses the other fist].
9) Faith and Lisa were upstairs and Faith went to go to the bathroom. The toilet wasn’t flushed so Faith yelled at Lisa. There was toilet paper in it and Lisa tried to blame me…
Mom: It must have been Dad.
Faith: No it couldn’t have been Dad.
Mom: Why not?
Faith: Because it’s impossible for them to wipe.
Mom: Why can’t boys wipe?
Faith: Because they pee out of those long stem things.
Faith: Mom aren’t you proud of me, I won!
11) Faith was sitting next to Lisa on the couch watching the movie “Spaceballs” with us. When the “I’m surrounded by assholes” scene was ready to start, I fast-forwarded through it. I told Faith that I was skipping over it because they say some bad words in that scene. Shortly after that, there was a scene where they say “We’re not just doing this for money. We’re doing it for a shitload of money!”…
Faith (leaning over and whispering to Lisa): Maybe dad should have skipped through this one, too.
12) I was talking to Faith on the phone before school…
Dad: It’s raining out.
Faith: Yeah, I know.
Dad: That’s good – that’s a car wash for my car.
Dad: It’s true – it’s a FREE car wash!
Faith: Yeah, a car wash from God!
13) Faith started talking about boyfriends and then marriage…
Faith: One day, I’m going to get married.
Dad: You used to say you were going to marry me.
Faith: No I didn’t.
Mom: It’s true Faith – you did when you were little.
Faith: Well, I wish I could marry you Dad… but you’ll be dead.
14) Lisa picked up a milkshake for Faith for St. Patty’s Day and she was loving it…
Dad: Can I have a taste of that?
Faith: Do you like mint?
Faith: Do you like chocolate?
Faith: Well then get over here!
15) Picking out the clothes I was going to wear to work the next day…
Dad: Faith, what do you think – should I wear my pink shirt or white to breakfast for work tomorrow?
Faith: Wear the white one.
Dad: White it is.
Faith: I don’t want you to be embarrassed at work.
16) Faith’s cousin was over and telling us all a really dumb joke. We all started laughing, including Faith, who fell back on the bed laughing. After about 10 seconds of laughing, she sat up…
Faith (calmly): I don’t get it.
17) On vacation to Texas, we flew into Houston but had to drive a few hours to Austin in a rental car. While in the car…
Dad: On the way back home, it’ll be a little easier. We’ll drive back to a hotel near the airport and then stay overnight. Then the next day will be our flight home.
Faith: I’m just going to go with things because I don’t know what you’re saying.
Quotes from Faith at 6 years old
18) We were watching the movie “The Sandlot” and there was a scene where a girl walks by and the boys stop and stare…
Faith: I like how when boys see a girl they like, they get like hypnotized or something.
19) We were deciding on a movie to watch for the evening…
Dad: Hey, what about the second “The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe” movie?
Faith: I was gonna say “Big Daddy”, but whatever tickles your peach.
20) We were in the car driving and the discussion turned to rental properties and my role in them…
Faith: Do you buy the duplexes just so people have a place to live?
Dad: No, I buy them so we can make money, but it’s a benefit in that it gives people a place to live.
Faith: But what’s the main reason you buy them?
Dad: To make money…
Faith: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Dad: Mom wanted one of these – let’s see how the reviews are on Amazon first.
[I open the app and scan the barcode]
Dad: Looks like the reviews are good, but look – it’s $39 here at Home Depot but only $35 on Amazon. We can order it from there.
Faith: Wait – it’s only like a few dollars difference?
Faith (as she walks away): You’re cheap.
22) Apparently, we talk about finances too much in front of Faith. Faith was sitting on the island in the kitchen cleaning when the bottle of cleaner fell on the floor…
Faith: Mom, can you hand me the 401(k) – I mean 409!
23) Faith’s cousin was counting his high school graduation money and Faith was just staring in amazement…
Faith: He’s got more there than I do with my whole life savings.
Quotes from Faith at 7 years old
24) Faith was watching “Baby Daddy” on Netflix (yes, I know – inappropriate!). One of the characters is named Tucker and was working on creating his bucket list. He called it his Tucket list as a play on his name…
Faith: I’m going to create my own bucket list. I’m going to call it my Fucket list.
Mom: Oh! No, you can’t call it that.
Faith: Why not?
Mom: Because it’s a bad word.
Faith: What… Fucket?
25) In the morning, I brought Faith from her bed into ours. While I was turning on the TV…
Faith: You know, I was thinking about the duplex I’m going to get and I’m going to need about $300 in rent from it.
26) We were all in Lisa’s car on the way to get flu shots for me and Faith. Faith was not looking forward to it. She was snacking on veggie sticks and chomping loudly. Lisa and I both just looked at her…
Faith: What? It’s called stress-eating, people!
27) We were at the Lake County Farm Park for their Christmas fun and it was pretty busy. Eventually, we were down by the horse stalls and a bunch of other kids had just left yelling. Lisa caught Faith talking quietly to a horse…
Faith: I understand… most kids are idiots.
28) We were watching a trailer for the movie “Bright” on Netflix…
Faith: That looks pretty good.
Dad: Except you’ll never get to see it because it’s rated TV-MA. Know what that means?
Faith: No, what?
Dad: Mature audiences. In other words, no kids.
[Faith was then laying on her back in her nightgown with her legs in the air…]
Faith: I’m mature… although I am showing my tuckus right now with no pants on.
29) Faith was going to be sleeping in bed with me. Lisa was just shutting the lights off while we were under the covers. I farted (shoosh – we all do it!) – it was rough and then Faith briefly lifted the covers on accident…
Faith: OH!!!! I’m never going to unsmell that!!
30) We were watching the movie “Twins” and I told Faith how her uncle and I always quote the line “ve’re tvins!” (with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s accent, of course!). While watching it, there was a scene where Schwarzenegger had his shirt off…
Dad: His muscles are almost as big as mine.
Faith (without missing a beat): He has more muscles than you and Uncle Joe put together.
31) It was Friday night and we were getting ready for bed…
Mom (to Faith): Your hair’s getting greasy… you need to take a shower.
Dad: Wait, was your last shower after gymnastics on Tuesday?
Faith: Yep, and I’m ripe!
Dad: Are you sure you’re Ok with us booking this cruise, Faith? It’s during Halloween so you’d miss Trick-or-Treating.
Faith: Hmm, well, as long as I could still get like a couple of pieces of candy that would be alright.
Dad: Don’t you remember our last cruise? You had ice cream for lunch and dessert before dinner.
Faith: Oh, yeah… I’m good – go ahead and book it.
33) I grabbed a bag of Faith’s flavored popcorn and was going to eat some of it…
Faith: Hey, don’t touch that! That’s mine… I paid for it!
Dad: Wait a minute… what about all the stuff I pay for all the time?
Faith: You can touch that.
34) Faith would always tell Lisa that she had big buck teeth. Eventually, Faith’s baby front teeth were both gone…
Faith (to Mom): I’m like the opposite of a rabbit, a beaver, and you!
35) We had just made the decision to move my retirement date up by a year. I was excited about the blog post I was planning to write…
Dad: Know what my post is going to be called?
Dad: It has a swear word in it…
Faith got real quiet for a second…
Faith (whispering): I’m retiring, bitches!
Then her face turned bright red until we all started laughing. Here’s the actual post if you’re interested.
36) We were watching an act perform on “America’s Got Talent”…
Faith: Not my goatee.
Dad: Wait, what? You know what a goatee is, right?
Dad: It’s like a small beard and mustache. Is that what you meant? I like it – I’m just asking.
About a half-hour later, Mel B was judging an act and said, “this was not my cup of tea.”
Dad: Wait, did you mean “not my cup of tea” instead of “not my goatee”?
Faith: Um, yeah. What do you want from me – I’m only a kid!
Quotes from Faith at 8 years old
37) We were getting ready for bed while talking about our trip the next day to Kelleys Island. We would be staying at my cousin Dennis’ house with him and his daughter, Serena…
Faith: Wait, is there WiFi at Kelleys Island?
Faith: Not even in Uncle Dennis’ house?
Faith: And Serena goes there for vacations every week?! That’s like a torture chamber!
38) We were watching “Shark Tank” and they had some people doing their presentation on some crates for cats. When they got done with their intro, Faith shook her head…
Faith: There’s always too many puns in this show… “Let’s put this market in the bag”… “Who wants to claw their way to the top?” Seriously?!
39) We were leaving the zoo and a mother walked past us with her young son attached to her with a strap connecting their wrists…
Faith: Did you see that? That kid’s so bad he had to be tied up!
Quotes from Faith at 9 years old
40) After finding out they don’t celebrate Halloween much in Panama, we weren’t expecting much. Things really came together at the end though and Faith got invited to a neighborhood where they set up trick-or-treating for the kids. After that, we went to Big Daddy’s Grill for a Halloween party where Faith danced on stage with the crowd loving it. On the way home…
Mom (sarcastically): This Halloween was a bust, wasn’t it?
Faith: No! This is BETTER than regular Halloween! I got better candy… and my hair looks good!
41) We were all laying in bed and Lisa and I were trying to figure out a cheaper way to fly back to Panama from the States when we visited. Faith got up to brush her teeth and then I figured out that it would save us thousands to fly to Costa Rica first. About that time, Faith walked back in…
Dad: Faith, we’re going to Costa Rica!
Faith: WHAT???! How long was I gone?!
42) We were walking around Target and Faith saw a bunch of stuff she wanted but couldn’t buy…
Faith: Target’s like a land of broken promises.
43) We were walking back from the grocery store just making small talk…
Faith: I’m excited for Honey [her grandma] and Grandpa to visit.
Dad: Me, too!
Faith: No you’re not – because you don’t have a heart.
Dad: If I don’t have a heart, then why do I cry during all the sad parts of movies?
Faith: Because you’re a wuss.
44) A picture of Faith’s Aunt Dawn and her aunt’s friend Kristen rotated onto the pictures on our TV…
Dad: What are they doing?
Mom: They’re dancing.
Mom: It was a dance party.
Dad: Just girls hanging out? You just start dancing? You’d never see that with dudes getting together…
Faith: Unless it was at a strip club!
45) I spent a good 10 minutes or so explaining the effects of the COVID-19/Coronavirus pandemic and why we’re doing social distancing…
Dad: And right now, there’s no treatment available or any vaccine like the flu shot. They don’t have anything like that yet…
Faith: Unless you take a shot of Corona!
46) The three of us were playing Mario Kart on the Wii. Lisa was playing as Yoshi and her and Faith kept bumping into each other. Faith started singing…
Faith: Yoshi, buddy, pal… you’re going to die and go to BEEP!
[We all started laughing]
Faith: What?! I couldn’t think of a rhyme!
[Even better was that she did actually say “BEEP” when she sang it.]
There you have it, my friends – I hope you enjoyed these quotes from Faith’s more recent years. Like any kid, they say some funny things that give you just a small clue of what’s going on in their heads.
Do you have any funny quotes from your kids you want to share?
Thanks for reading!!